Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"The blondes all nodded.The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars, and so forth."So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds."Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did... He has only one eye!"The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture!  It's a profile of his face!""You're dismissed!"The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?""Yes!  He only has one ear!"The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!!  You're excused too!"The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."  He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right!  His bio says he wears contacts!  How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo!  With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

KKMommy wrote @ 2:41 PM... ||
0 Comments by Blogger:

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner  had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it.  Annoying advice such as: - Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.- Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.- Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.- Try Kotex blah blah blah other products. Obviously the person behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning pair of ovaries.  Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman TO HER FACE that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.  See what happens and report back.  I'll wait here. While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine.  I guaran-damn- tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated. Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products.  Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives.  Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, most containing alcohol. Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand THAT WAS ALREADY PURCHASED is just plain annoying, not to mention rude and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink  package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the damn store.  The ultimate goal of your product should be functional invisibility at every stage, including the point of purchase. So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass. (Try drinking six to eight glasses of water to make you feel fresher while you're doing it!)
 Ovarily Yours 
Miss PMS
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

KKMommy wrote @ 6:26 PM... ||
0 Comments by Blogger:

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

RYE BREAD
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard." He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

KKMommy wrote @ 2:56 PM... ||
0 Comments by Blogger: